Stuck in the (not) mom(ent)

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Yet another pregnancy announcement

Every time I loose a pregnancy there are a lot of friends/acquaintances getting pregnant without an issue, obviously. Some of them with ooops! babies, even!
Sometimes I get to think that I hope some of them have a miscarriage in order to have someone who understands me IRL. Not that I am really hoping this: rationally I would never do that to anyone. And I am not wishing anyone bad luck, but I feel so lonely in my experience, I feel like I am the only one having a lot of miscarriages, without any issue known to the medical science, except for my age. And yet, I am surrounded by a lot of people my age who become pregnant, and tell stories about not expecting it, that it was a surprise, that they went fort their first u/s and there was a big embryo with a strong heartbeat, and that they like this name and that, and that they plan to do this and that with the baby…  And I am the pity case, the one who has bad luck again and again and again.  Would it be better if no one knew about my history? Maybe, I don’t know, but I would not be myself completely if I did not share my TTC history with anybody.
I stopped telling TTC women that it is important to take your folic acid daily. Many people have this behavior: that if you (with a history of fails) give them some advice like “take your folic acid” or “don’t drink” they look at you like you are joking and some even reply “Well, if it has to go well it will go well. In your case folic acid did not help”. And, unfortunately, it is true, even if it is totally unrelated and you can’t make them understand that.
Yesterday a friend of mine came to visit and announced her pregnancy. She did not know how to say that to me. She knows my history and did not want to hurt my feelings. She wanted this baby since 2010, but she was not actively TTC because she does not live with her BF and they have issues with their jobs. And yet, she was not preventing. She had issues in the past and thought she was menopausal, even if she is 35. Well, she went on vacation and came back pregnant. Did not know anything about folic acid. Did not know she could see an heartbeat at 6w. She went for her first appointment to the gyn and she was surprised to have an u/s scan and to actually see the embryo and hear the heartbeat.
I sincerely hope for the best for her, since I love her, but I cannot stop thinking about the feeling you could have while you are laying on the gyn chair and you see your baby and hear its hb. I imagine the feeling she had. I try to imagine myself in that situation, that has never happened, and I know from the depths of my soul that I will never feel that joy.
And that is too much, today.
Annunci